The melody was perfect for the Saturday evening and the evening couldn’t have been more perfect! The weather was just amazing, crazy breeze, mild thunder lighting up the sky.
I stood alone on my terrace, feeling the chilly breeze brush past me, blowing through my hair and kissing my face. Even though I was all alone, I felt I was attending a party with the trees grooving to the tune of the breeze, the thunder contributing wholeheartedly to the ambiance and in attendance was myself! I was so thoroughly enjoying myself that little did I miss my husband not being there (who by the way was out on an official meeting). I don’t know how or why but somehow my mind pressed the rewind button and I flashbacked into past not too distant and I happened to stumble upon a strange déjàvu sensation.
It was a similar windy Saturday evening. Nature had planned it out perfectly to be a must-not-miss romantic evening and just like today. The mood however was far from the euphoria I was experiencing today. I was entangled within my gloomy thoughts, with loneliness nastily nagging me of the life I was missing out on which evidently put me on top of the ‘Not Happening’ list, or so I thought.
But why was today so different? What had changed? I looked around me to relate to any change from the last time I stood here but as I looked around nothing had changed! The trees, concrete, the place everything was the same.
So where was the difference? Then I looked within and there I saw the change. I had come far from the person I once was, clingy, depended and lacking within. And that didn’t help my relationships much either as the old me was always chasing and my relationships always evading.
Then happened the most ironic experience in my life as I gave life to another being. There was a paradigm shift to my existence. There was another life completely dependent upon me. I experienced a certain change within me which I hadn’t known I had the capacity for. To love and care for someone beyond my own self. To go nights after nights without sleep, rocking and cradling my baby till my shoulders were about to fall off from their sockets, yet searching for and squeezing out that extra ounce of strength to continue……the only motivation ….. my bundle of life serenely sleeping in my arms. I was REBORN!
In just one year, I have given so much, so much of myself to my little bundle of joy, that I have often caught questioning myself, will I ever get any of it back? After I’m back from my guilt trip and sit down to have a chat with myself. I realize that the more I have given of me to my little one; the nurturing has only replenished me within. My child already paid me back with abundance beyond comprehension. He has gifted me…….the new me!
And so I drift back into the present with a satisfied sigh! I wonder how the world around me barely changes, what changes is how I am within.