I was 9 when all this had happened for the first time. What do you understand when you are of that age… you just know your world is full of rainbow colours, sweetness of chocolates fills it, with lovely dolls for company and beautiful dresses to doll you up. Your mother is the magician for you as there is nothing that she cannot fix – broken dolls, injuries, torn notebooks, incomplete homework, pending projects anything was curable by her. I wish life continued to be in this blissful state as broken hearts and shattered dreams was something nobody could mend.
That day was the first time when he “touched” me and I cringed at that. That day he added a new word to my dictionary – lust. Till then all I knew was about love. I believed people are born out of love and are to be loved, that’s it. I realized in the coming years that it was not the complete truth. There were also some people who were born out of lust and that is what kept them going; for time and again I experienced lust where I was expecting love.
All this made me a touch-me-not. Just like the plant, the moment someone touched me I would cringe and close the doors of my mind. After some years I had reached a stage where I hated human touch. I detested any human contact or proximity to one for that matter. And like that plant I continued to wilt away with all those touches that I felt everywhere I went. Till one day I felt enough was enough. I screamed so loudly that I felt my lungs would tear up today and I cried very badly to reach a phase where I felt there were no more tears left in my eyes. But it all fell on deaf ears as that day I learnt something new – I learnt that till now all that happened with me was my fault. I was wrong in considering myself a victim till now while actually all this while I was the main culprit behind this whole “touchy” affair. I lived in that guilt for many years till my soul one day finally gave up and screamed Guilty my lord!
Today after exactly a decade of getting that guilt as a gift I am throwing it away. My soul is tired of carrying something which in the first place it never deserved and hence I am doing away with it. And finally I choose to forgive myself….
I forgive myself because I believe for all that happened with me I am NOT at fault.
I forgive myself for I did NOT deserve this.
I forgive myself for I DESERVE to be respected and loved for all that I am.
I forgive myself as all that my heart ever wanted was love.
I forgive myself because I am neither a victim nor a culprit – Am a survivor!
Becoming a touch-me-not was not my choice or decision; it was something I was pushed into left with no other options. But today I choose to become a blossoming flower again radiating love, life and laughter for I deserve it!